The Proof Is In!

My Mother Died.

I held her hand 

while she was slipping away. 

Never knowing

her daughter

was with her that day.

My mom and I had a "complicated" relationship.

When she died, I cried of course. I'm not a monster.

But I cried the hardest when, at my self-centered best, I would ask, 

"Why was she so mean to me?"

(Very mature language for a 60 year old!)

"Why didn't she love me enough?"

Over the course of several days anybody I cried to assured me that, even though she was "tough" on me, she was so proud of me, and she appreciated all I did for her. And that, yes, she loved me very much.

But where's the proof?

Show me the proof!

Yesterday, while going through a wallet that I pilfered from my mom's closet, I found this picture.

A 40 year old me, graduating from SUNY Cortland with a degree in Elementary Education.

(Following in my mom's footprints of returning to school later in life and becoming a teacher)

It even has the word "PROOF" on it!

I don't believe in angels or anything like that...but kind of spooky.

..

This morning I decided to go through some of the cards my mom has sent me over the years.

Cards that start with words like, "My Dearest and Only Daughter"

"My Dearest, Darling Daughter"

Cards that end with "Love you always" "All my love" or just plain old, "Love Mommy"

Even a card with my adorable precious baby curls carefully enclosed.

Cards with words of advice. Advice that I didn't feel I needed or appreciated at the time.

"Keep learning and you'll enrich your life"

"I have been pleased with you and know you will continue to do the right thing"

Last year's birthday card  came with a quote from Thoreau that I was told to always bear in mind:

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

I see a Nana who loved all of her grandchildren insanely. I see a woman who loves reading and
bought a small library for a 2 month old baby.
(Let this picture symbolize all the grandkids....life is too short for me to hunt for
and upload pictures of all of them..)

I see a proud Great-Grandmother who
was blessed to live long enough to hold her only great-grandson
"Jackie"

I see a Great-Grandmother who wrote to me and said that:
"The clock has moved you to one of the glorious
points of your life. Not only will Chelsea feel productive,, but so will you.
Jackie has arrived and all is well.  Set a good example for both your
grandson and his parents.  Now each moment in your lives will be a first and a
once in a lifetime moment.  Enjoy- with love- always- Mom

                          

I see a woman who knew the importance of knowing her best side and how to hold up her chin to hide the waddle.
And the love of big earrings!
Thanks Mom!

I am looking at the FIRST stone sculpture my mom ever created.
I see that there's nothing you can't do if you don't try.
And I see what am amazing artist she was!
I did not quite inherit that gene...
Case in point below.

I am looking at one insane collage of mine.
But I see that my mom was right when she told me
"You need to be creative!"

I am looking at the 5 year old me, dressed in a pink crinolin dress that my mom made for me
to wear to my cousin's Bar Mitzvah. I see that took so much time on her part, and I really appreciate it!
Ask Chelsea about her first day of kindergarten dress that I'm going to finish any time now!!

Thanks Mom. 

Thanks for teaching me that "You're going to be 40 anyway, might as well be 40 with a degree!"

Thanks for teaching me the secret to a clean house, "Clear off the coffee table and wipe down the bathroom sinks"

Thanks for sharing your love of old musicals and Broadway!

Thanks for teaching me the importance of always letting your children know you love 

them and are proud of them.

Thanks for the memories.