The Cruelest Cut of All

Is There a (NICE) Doctor in the House?

I'm not a VERY demanding person. But,whenever I go to an emergency room with a 1/2" deep gash in my arm, I do demand a few things. Pity, and lots of it for one.  The other, a smiling, cheerful face.

All I can say is, I DID NOT get what I deserved. (Though some might say that getting wounded was EXACTLY what I deserved!...you know who you are)

I was a little bit nervous as I sat in the waiting room, and as I sat in the examination room. and waited some more.  The clinic closed at 8:00, and it was already 7:45.  Who wants to be the last patient of the day for an overworked doctor? I had no choice.  Kevin assured me that my wound looked like a second mouth and I was going to bleed out and die, or just need many external AND internal stitches.  (As much support as a wet noodle!) This was NOT going to be PRETTY!

Where is my PITY?

FINALLY, my angel of mercy shows up!

Dr. Feelnotsogood was showing the effects of a long day treating strep throats and sprained ankles. On a scale of 1-10, my pain was at 1.

On a scale of 1-10 my need to make this cranky doctor crack a smile was 11. (that's one bigger than 10).

My opening number was the same one that my brothers and I try to use whenever possible as an homage to our dad's sense of humor.  I say to the doctor "Ask me if I'm comfortable"

He very begrudgingly mumbled, "are you comfortable?"

"Oh, I make a living!"....crickets, crickets.  Dr. Feelnotsogood was obviously not a man of humor.  I would of killed it with a different doctor!

OK..I need to cheer up this schmuck, because he might change his mind and give me stitches instead of glue strips to close the wound.  "Doctor", I say softly,..."tell me, will I be able to play the piano after this?" He simply flat-out refused to play along this time.  Now he's getting out the antiseptic! Beads of sweat are forming on my lip.  A sinister grin is forming on the doctor's lip.

He has me all sanitized and is starting to close up the gap in my arm.

"Doctor?"I say,  He glances up slowly "Will my husband and I be able to have normal sexual relations?" (which would be nice for a change of pace!)

Finally, I get a grin from my audience of one. I got him now! One more attempt.  "Doctor....will I ever be able to have children?"

Not only did he not answer my question...he did not laugh! He obviously was having a horrible day. Maybe he was regretting not studying harder in med school and ending up in the walk-in clinic in Endicott NY. Who knows.

In exasperation I asked him, "What precisely would make you laugh"  He told me that not even Seinfeld would make him laugh today.  Hmmm. 

"So, what's the deal with stitches?!"

He laughed.

Tough Crowd